मुल्ला नसरुद्दीन के किस्से व हास्य-रहस्य

CHAPTER 1. "Forty car lengths at 2 a. m.! Your eyesight is remarkable! How far can you see at night, anyway?" "I CAN'T EXACTLY SAY," said Nasrudin. "JUST HOW FAR AWAY IS THE MOON?" 174. Mulla Nasrudin's wife seeking a divorce charged that her husband "thinks only of horse racing. He talks horse racing: he sleeps horse racing and the racetrack is the only place he goes. It is horses, horses, horses all day long and most of the night. He does not even know the date of our wedding. "That's not true, Your Honour," cried Nasrudin. "WE WERE MARRIED THE DAY DARK STAR WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY." 175. There was a play in which an important courtroom scene included Mulla Nasrudin as a hurriedly recruited judge. All that he had to do was sit quietly until asked for his verdict and give it as instructed by the play's director. But Mulla Nasrudin was by no means apathetic, he became utterly absorbed in the drama being played before him. So absorbed, in fact, that instead of following instructions and saying "Guilty," the Mulla arose and firmly said, "NOT GUILTY." 176. Two graduates of the Harvard School of Business decided to start their own business and put into practice what they had learned in their studies. But they soon went into bankruptcy and Mulla Nasrudin took over their business. The two educated men felt sorry for the Mulla and taught him what they knew about economic theory. Some time later the two former proprietors called on their successor when they heard he was doing a booming business. "What's the secret of your success?" they asked Mulla Nasrudin. "T'ain't really no secret," said Nasrudin. "As you know, schooling and theory is not in my line. I just buy an article for 1andsellitfor2. ONE PER CENT PROFIT IS ENOUGH FOR ME." 177. Mulla Nasrudin's testimony in a shooting affair was unsatisfactory. When asked, "Did you see the shot fired?" the Mulla replied, "No, Sir, I only heard it." "Stand down," said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value." Nasrudin turned around in the box to leave and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loud and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the Mulla back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh in the court. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 45 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked Nasrudin. "No, but I heard you," retorted the judge. "THAT EVIDENCE IS NOT SATISFACTORY, YOUR HONOUR." said Nasrudin respectfully. 178. Mulla Nasrudin and a friend went to the racetrack. The Mulla decided to place a hunch bet on Chopped Meat. On his way to the betting window he encountered a tout who talked him into betting on Tug of War since, said the tout, "Chopped Meat does not have a chance." The next race the friend decided to play a hunch and bet on a horse named Overcoat. On his way to the window he met the same tout, who convinced him Overcoat did not have a chance and talked him into betting on Flying Feet. So Overcoat won, and Flyiny Feet came in last. On their way to the parking lot for the return trip, winnerless, the two friends decided to buy some peanuts. The Mulla said he'd get them. He came back with popcorn. "What's the idea?" said his friend "I thought we agreed to buy peanuts." "YES, I KNOW," said Mulla Nasrudin. "BUT I MET THAT MAN AGAIN." 179. Mulla Nasrudin was telling a friend that he was starting a business in partnership with another fellow. "How much capital are you putting in it, Mulla?" the friend asked. "None. The other man is putting up the capital, and I am putting in the experience," said the Mulla. "So, it's a fifty-fifty agreement." "Yes, that's the way we are starting out," said Nasrudin, "BUT I FIGURE IN ABOUT FIVE YEARS I WILL HAVE THE CAPITAL AND HE WILL HAVE THE EXPERIENCE." 180. A blind man went with Mulla Nasrudin to the race-track to bet on a horse named Bolivar. The Mulla stood next to him and related Bolivar's progress in the race. "How is Bolivar at the quarter?" "Coming good." "And how is Bolivar at the half?" 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 46 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "Running strong!" After a few seconds, "How is Bolivar at the three-quarter?" "Holding his own." "How is Bolivar in the stretch?" "In there running like hell!" said Nasrudin. "HE IS HEADING FOR THE LINE, DRIVING ALL THE OTHER HORSES IN FRONT OF HIM." 181. "Why do you call your mule "POLITICIAN," Mulla?" a neighbor asked. "BECAUSE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "THIS MULE GETS MORE BLAME AND ABUSE THAN ANYTHING ELSE AROUND HERE, BUT HE STILL GOES AHEAD AND DOES JUST WHAT HE DAMN PLEASES." 182. "You look mighty dressed up, Mulla," a friend said to Mulla Nasrudin. "What's going on, something special?" "Yes," said the Mulla, "I am celebrating tonight with my wife. I am taking her to dinner in honor of seven years of perfect married happiness." "Seven years of married happiness," the friend said. "Why man, I think that's wonderful." "I THINK IT'S PRETTY GOOD MYSELF," said Nasrudin. "SEVEN OUT OF SEVENTY." 183. A newspaper reporter was interviewing Mulla Nasrudin on the occasion of his 105th birthday. "Tell me," he said, "do you believe the younger generation is on the road to perdition?" "YES, SIR," said old Nasrudin. "AND I HAVE BELIEVED IT FOR MORE THAN NINETY YEARS." 184. "Why didn't you answer the letter I sent you?" demanded Mulla Nasrudin's wife. "Why, I didn't get any letter from you," said Nasrudin. "AND BESIDES, I DIDN'T LIKE THE THINGS YOU SAID IN IT!" 185. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 47 Osho

CHAPTER 1. After giving his speech, the guest of the evening was standing at the door with Mulla Nasrudin, the president of the group, shaking hands with the folks as they left the hall. Compliments were coming right and left, until one fellow shook hands and said, "I thought it stunk." "What did you say?" asked the surprised speaker. "I said it stunk. That's the worst speech anybody ever gave around here. Whoever invited you to speak tonight ought to be but out of the club." With that he turned and walked away. "DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THAT MAN," said Mulla Nasrudin to the speaker. "HE'S A NITWIT. WHY, THAT MAN NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL, THOUGHT IN HIS LIFE. ALL HE DOES IS LISTEN TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY, THEN HE GOES AROUND REPEATING IT." 186. "Well, Mulla," said the priest, "'I am glad to see you out again after your long illness. You have had a bad time of it." "Indeed, Sir," said Mulla Nasrudin. "And, when you were so near Death's door, did you feel afraid to meet God?" asked the priest. "NO, SIR," said Nasrudin. "IT WAS THE OTHER GENTLEMAN." 187. In a street a small truck loaded with glassware collided with a large truck laden with bricks, and practically all of the glassware was smashed. Considerable sympathy was felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A benevolent looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately. "My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss out of your own pocket?" "Yep," was the melancholy reply. "Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your hat – here's fifty cents for you; and I dare say some of these other people will give you a helping hand too." The driver held out his hat and over a hundred persons hastened to drop coins in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he observed "SAY, MAYBE HE AIN'T THE WISE GUY! THAT'S ME BOSS, MULLA NASRUDIN!" 188. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 48 Osho

CHAPTER 1. Mulla Nasrudin, whose barn burned down, was told by the insurance company that his policy provided that the company build a new barn, rather than paying him the cash value of it. The Mulla was incensed by this. "If that's the way you fellows operate," he said, "THEN CANCEL THE INSURANCE I HAVE ON MY WIFE'S LIFE." 189. Mulla Nasrudin had spent eighteen months on deserted island, the lone survivor when his yacht sank. He had managed so well, he thought less and less of his business and his many investments. But he was nonetheless delighted to see a ship anchor off shore and launch a small boat that headed toward the island. When the boat crew reached the shore the officer in charge came forward with a bundle of current newspapers and magazines. "The captain," explained the officer, "thought you would want to look over these papers to see what has been happening in the world, before you decide that you want to be rescued." "It's very thoughtful of him," replied Nasrudin. "BUT I THINK I NEED AN ACCOUNTANT MOST OF ALL. I HAVEN'T FILED AN INCOME TAX RETURN FOR TWO YEARS, AND WHAT WITH THE PENALTIES AND ALL, I AM NOT SURE I CAN NOW AFFORD TO RETURN." 190. The weekly poker group was in the midst of an exceptionally exciting hand when one of the group fell dead of a heart attack. He was laid on a couch in the room, and one of the three remaining members asked, "What shall we do now?" "I SUGGEST," said Mulla Nasrudin, the most new member of the group, "THAT OUT OF RESPECT FOR OUR DEAR DEPARTED FRIEND, WE FINISH THIS HAND STANDING UP." 191. "With all of the evidence to the contrary," the district attorney said to the defendant, "do you still maintain Nasrudin, that your wife died of a broken heart?" "I CERTAINLY DO," said Mulla Nasrudin. "IF SHE HAD NOT BROKEN MY HEART, I WOULDN'T HAVE SHOT HER." 192. Mulla Nasrudin and his partner closed the business early one Friday afternoon and went off together for a long weekend in the country. Seated playing canasta under the shade of trees, the partner looked up with a start and said. "Good Lord, Mulla, we forgot to lock the safe." 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 49 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "SO WHAT," replied Nasrudin. "THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. WE ARE BOTH HERE." 193. Mulla Nasrudin was tired, weary, bored. He called for his limousine, got in and said to the chauffeur: "JAMES, DRIVE FULL SPEED OVER THE CLIFF. I HAVE DECIDED TO COMMIT SUICIDE." 194. Mulla Nasrudin was stopped one day by a collector of charity and urged to "give till it hurts." Nasrudin shook his head and said, "WHY THE VERY IDEA HURTS." 195. The young doctor stood gravely at the bedside, looking down at the sick Mulla Nasrudin, and said to him: "I am sorry to tell you, but you have scarlet fever. This is an extremely contagious disease." Mulla Nasrudin turned to his wife and said, "My dear, if any of my creditors call, tell them I AM AT LAST IN A POSITION TO GIVE THEM SOMETHING." 196. Mulla Nasrudin was scheduled to die in a gas chamber. On the morning of the day of his execution he was asked by the warden if there was anything special he would like for breakfast. "YES," said Nasrudin, "MUSHROOMS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AFRAID TO EAT THEM FOR FEAR OF BEING POISONED." 197. The new politician was chatting with old Mulla Nasrudin, who asked him how he was doing. "Not so good," said the new man. "Every place I go, I get insulted." "THAT'S FUNNY," said the Mulla. "I HAVE BEEN IN POLITICS FOR MORE THAN SIXTY YEARS MYSELF AND I HAVE HAD MY PROPAGANDA LITERATURE PITCHED OUT THE DOOR, BEEN THROWN OUT MYSELF, KICKED DOWN STAIRS; AND WAS EVEN PUNCHED IN THE NOSE ONCE BUT, I WAS NEVER INSULTED." 198. The old man was ninety years old and his son, Mulla Nasrudin, who himself was now seventy years old, was trying to get him placed in a nursing home. The place was crowded and Nasrudin was having difficulty. "Please," he said to the doctor. "You must take him in. He is getting feeble minded. Why, all day long he sits in the bathtub, playing with a rubber Donald Duck!" 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 50 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "Well," said the psychiatrist, "he may be a bit senile but he is not doing any harm, is he?" "BUT," said Mulla Nasrudin in tears, "IT'S MY DONALD DUCK." 199. It was the day of the hanging, and as Mulla Nasrudin was led to the foot of the steps of the scaffold. he suddenly stopped and refused to walk another step. "Let's go," the guard said impatiently. "What's the matter?" "SOMEHOW," said Nasrudin, "THOSE STEPS LOOK MIGHTY RICKETY – THEY JUST DON'T LOOK SAFE ENOUGH TO WALK UP." 200. In earlier days in America it was not unusual for politicians to take advantage of a public hanging to address the crowd of spectators. When Mulla Nasrudin, the condemned, was told a politician was going to speak on the grim occasion. "HAVE ME FIRST, PLEASE," screamed Mulla Nasrudin. But it was not possible. So Mulla Nasrudin thanked the speaker for making it easier to die". 201. Mulla Nasrudin was tired, weary, bored. He called for his limousine, got in and said to the chauffeur: "JAMES. DRIVE FULL SPEED OVER THE CLIFF. I HAVE DECIDED TO COMMIT SUICIDE." 202. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 51 Osho