मुल्ला नसरुद्दीन के किस्से व हास्य-रहस्य

CHAPTER 1. Mulla Nasrudin had been pulled from the river in what the police suspected was a suicide attempt. When they were questioning him at headquarters, he admitted that he had tried to kill himself. This is the story he told: ”Yes, I tried to kill myself. The world is against me and I wanted to end it all. I was determined not to do a halfway job of it, so I bought a piece of rope, some matches, some kerosene, and a pistol. Just in case none of those worked, I went down by the river. I threw the rope over a limb hanging out over the water, tied that rope around my neck, poured kerosene all over myself and lit that match. I jumped off the river and put that pistol to my head and pulled the trigger. And guess what happened? I missed. The bullet hit the rope before I could hang myself and I fell in the river and the water put out the fire before I could burn myself. AND YOU KNOW, IF I HAD NOT BEEN A GOOD SWIMMER, I WOULD HAVE ENDED UP DROWNING MY FOOL SELF.” 66. Mulla Nasrudin and his wife had just been fighting. The wife felt a bit ashamed and was standing looking out of the window. Suddenly, something caught her attention. ”Honey,” she called. ”Come here, I want to show you something.” As the Mulla came to the window to see, she said. ”Look at those two horses pulling that load of hay up the hill. Why can’t we pull together like that, up the hill of life?” ”THE REASON WE CAN’T PULL UP THE HILL LIKE A COUPLE OF HORSES,” said Nasrudin, ”IS BECAUSE ONE OF US IS A JACKASS!” 67. Mulla Nasrudin had finished his political speech and answering questions. ”One question, Sir, if I may,” said a man down front you ever drink alcoholic beverages?” ”BEFORE I ANSWER THAT,” said Nasrudin, ”I’D LIKE TO KNOW IF IT’S IN THE NATURE OF AN INQUIRY OR AN INVITATION.” 68. Mulla Nasrudin’s wife was always after him to stop drinking. This time, she waved a newspaper in his face and said, ”Here is another powerful temperance moral. ’Young Wilson got into a boat and shoved out into the river, and as he was intoxicated, he upset the boat, fell into the river and was drowned.’ See, that’s the way it is, if he had not drunk whisky he would not have lost his life.” ”Let me see,” said the Mulla. ”He fell into the river, didn’t he?” 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 19 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "That's right," his wife said. "He didn't die until he fell in, is that right? " he asked. "That's true," his wife said. "THEN IT WAS THE WATER THAT KILLED HIM," said Nasrudin, "NOT WHISKY." 69. Mulla Nasrudin stormed into the Postmaster General's office and shouted, "I am being pestered by threatening letters, and I want somebody to do something about it." "I am sure we can help," said the Postmaster General. "That's a federal offence. Do you have any idea who is sending you these letters?" "I CERTAINLY DO," said Nasrudin. "IT'S THOSE INCOME TAX PEOPLE." 70. Mulla Nasrudin let out a burst of profanity which shocked a lady social worker who was passing by. She looked at him critically and said: "My, where did you learn such awful language?" "WHERE DID I LEARN IT?" said Nasrudin. "LADY, I DIDN'T LEARN IT, IT'S A GIFT." 71. Mulla Nasrudin was talking to his friends in the teahouse about the new preacher. "That man, ' said the Mulla, "is the talkingest person in the world. And he can't be telling the truth all the time. THERE JUST IS NOT THAT MUCH TRUTH." 72. "My wife talks to herself," the friend told Mulla Nasrudin. "SO DOES MINE," said the Mulla, "BUT SHE DOESN'T REALISE IT. SHE THINKS I AM LISTENING." 73. The man climbed on the stool at a little lunch counter for breakfast. "Quite a rainy spell, isn't it?" he said to Mulla Nasrudin, the man next to him. "Almost like the flood." "Flood? What flood?" said the Mulla. "Why, the flood," the first man said, "you know Noah and the Ark and Mount Ararat." 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 20 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "NOPE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I HAVE NOT READ THE MORNING PAPER, YET, SIR." 74. A preacher approached Mulla Nasrudin lying in the gutter. "And so," he asked, "this is the work of whisky, isn't it?" "NO," said Nasrudin. "THIS IS THE WORK OF A BANANA PEEL, SIR." 75. Mulla Nasrudin came up to a preacher and said that he wanted to be transformed to the religious life totally. "That's fine," said the preacher, "but are you sure you are going to put aside all sin?" "Yes Sir, I am through with sin," said the Mulla. "And are you going to pay up all your debts?" asked the preacher. "NOW WAIT A MINUTE, PREACHER," said Nasrudin, "YOU AIN'T TALKING RELIGION NOW, YOU ARE TALKING BUSINESS." 76. "It is being rumoured around town," a friend said to Mulla Nasrudin, "that you and your wife are not getting along too well. Is there anything to it?" "NONSENSE," said Nasrudin. "WE DID HAVE A FEW WORDS AND I SHOT HER. BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS IT WENT." 77. The word had passed around that Mulla Nasrudin's wife had left him. While the news was still fresh, an old friend ran into him. "I have just heard the bad news that your wife has left you," said the old friend. "I suppose you go home every night now and drown your sorrow in drink?" "No, I have found that to be impossible," said the Mulla. "Why is that?" asked his friend "No drink?" "NO," said Nasrudin, "NO SORROW." 78. After the speech Mulla Nasrudin shook hands with the speaker and said he never had a more enjoyable evening. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 21 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "You found my remarks interesting, I trust," said the speaker. "NOT EXACTLY," said Nasrudin, "BUT YOU DID CURE MY INSOMNIA." 79. Mulla Nasrudin who had worked hard on his speech was introduced and given his place at the microphone. He stood there for half a minute completely speechless and then said, "The human mind is the most wonderful device in the world. It starts working the instant you are born and never stops working night or day for your entire life – UNTIL THE MOMENT YOU STAND UP TO MAKE A SPEECH." 80. Mulla Nasrudin's wife was a candidate for the state legislature And this was the last day of campaigning. "My, I am tired," said Mulla Nasrudin as they returned to their house after the whole day's work. "I am almost ready to drop." "You tired!" cried his wife. "I am the one to be tired. I made fourteen speeches today." "I KNOW," said Nasrudin, "BUT I HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM." 81. "Mulla, you look sad," said a friend. "What is the matter?" "I had an argument with my wife," said the Mulla "and she swore she would not talk to me for 30 days." "Well, you should be very happy," said the first. "HAPPY?" said Mulla Nasrudin. "THIS IS THE 30TH DAY." 82. Mulla Nasrudin was sitting in a station smoking, when a woman came in, and sitting beside him, remarked: "Sir, if you were a gentleman, you would not smoke here!" "Mum," said the Mulla, "if ye was a lady ye'd sit farther away." Pretty soon the woman burst out again: "If you were my husband, I'd given you poison!" "WELL, MUM," returned Nasrudin, as he puffed away at his pipe, "IF YOU WERE ME WIFE, I'D TAKE IT." 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 22 Osho

CHAPTER 1. 83. Somebody asked Mulla Nasrudin why he lived on the top floor, in his small, dusty old rooms, and suggested that he move. "NO," said Nasrudin, "NO, I SHALL ALWAYS LIVE ON THE TOP FLOOR. IT IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE GOD ALONE IS ABOVE ME." Then after a pause, "HE'S BUSY – BUT HE'S QUIET." 84. Mulla Nasrudin was in tears when he opened the door for his wife. "I have been insulted," he sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother," she exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." She looked stern. "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "IN THE POSTSCRIPT," said Nasrudin. "IT SAID 'DEAR NASRUDIN, PLEASE, DON'T FORGET TO GIVE THIS LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER.'" 85. The richest man of the town fell into the river. He was rescued by Mulla Nasrudin. The fellow asked the Mulla how he could reward him. "The best way, Sir," said Nasrudin. "is to say nothing about it. IF THE OTHER FELLOWS KNEW I'D PULLED YOU OUT, THEY'D CHUCK ME IN." 86. Mulla Nasrudin arrived late at the country club dance, and discovered that in slipping on the icy pavement outside, he had torn one knee of his trousers. "Come into the ladies' dressing room, Mulla," said his wife – "There's no one there and I will pin it up for you." Examination showed that the rip was too large to be pinned. A maid furnished a needle and thread and was stationed at the door to keep out intruders, while Nasrudin removed his trousers. His wife went busily to work. Presently at the door sounded excited voices. "We must come in, maid," a woman was saying. "Mrs. Jones is ill. Quick, let us in." "Here," said the resourceful Mrs. Mulla Nasrudin to her terrified husband, "get into this closest for a minute." 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 23 Osho

CHAPTER 1. She opened the door and pushed the Mulla through it just in time. But instantly, from the opposite side of the door, came loud thumps and the agonized voice of the Mulla demanding that his wife open it at once. "But the women are here," Mrs. Nasrudin objected. "OH, DAMN THE WOMEN!" yelled Nasrudin. "I AM OUT IN THE BALLROOM." 87. "I can't find anything organically wrong with you," the doctor said to Mulla Nas- rudin. "As you know, many illnesses come from worry. You probably have some business or social problem that you should talk over with a good psychiatrist. A case very similar to yours came to me only a few weeks ago. The man had a 5,000notedueandcouldnotpayit.Becauseofhismoneyproblem, hehadworriedhimselfintoastateofnervo "And did you cure him?" asked Mulla Nasrudin. "Yes," said the doctor, "I just told him to stop worrying; that life was too short to make himself sick over a scrap of paper. Now he is back to normal. He has stopped worrying entirely." "YES; I KNOW," said Nasrudin, sadly. "I AM THE ONE HE OWES THE 5,000TO." 88. It was the final hand of the night. The cards were dealt. The pot was opened. Plenty of raising went on. Finally, the hands were called. "I win," said one fellow. "I have three aces and a pair of queens." "No, I win, ' said the second fellow. "I have three aces and a pair of kings." "NONE OF YOU-ALL WIN," said Mulla Nasrudin, the third one. "I DO. I HAVE TWO DEUCES AND A THIRTY-EIGHT SPECIAL." 89. Mulla Nasrudin and his two friends were arguing over whose profession was first established on earth. "Mine was," said the surgeon. "The Bible says that Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam." "Not at all," said the engineer. "An engineering job came before that. In six days the earth was created out of chaos. That was an engineer's job." "YES," said Mulla Nasrudin, the politician, "BUT WHO CREATED THE CHAOS?" 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 24 Osho

CHAPTER 1. 90. Mulla Nasrudin, as a candidate, was working the rural precincts and getting his fences mended and votes lined up. On this particular day, he had his young son with him to mark down on index cards whether the voter was for or against him. In this way, he could get an idea of how things were going. As they were getting out of the car in front of one farmhouse, the farmer came out the front door with a shotgun in his hand and screamed at the top of his voice, "I know you – you dirty filthy crook of a politician. You are no good. You ought to be put in jail. Don't you dare set foot inside that gate or I'll blow your head off. Now, you get back in your car and get down the road before I lose my temper and do something I'll be sorry for." Mulla Nasrudin did as he was told. A moment later he and his son were speeding down the road away from that farm. "Well," said the boy to the Mulla, "I might as well tear that man's card up, hadn't I?" "TEAR IT UP?" cried Nasrudin. "CERTAINLY NOT. JUST MARK HIM DOWN AS DOUBTFUL." 91. Mulla Nasrudin who prided himself on being something of a good Samaritan was passing an apartment house in the small hours of the morning when he noticed a man leaning limply against the door way. "What is the matter," asked the Mulla, "Drunk?" "Yup." "Do you live in this house?" "Yup." "Do you want me to help you upstairs?" "Yup." With much difficulty the Mulla half dragged, half carried the dropping figure up the stairway to the second floor. "What floor do you live on?" asked the Mulla. "Is this it?" "Yup." Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps take him for a companion more at fault than her spouse, the Mulla opened the first door he came to and pushed the limp figure in. The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 25 Osho

CHAPTER 1.

As he was passing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of another man, apparently in a worse condition than the first one.

"What's the matter?" asked the Mulla. "Are you drunk too?"

"Yep," was the feeble reply.

"Do you live in this house too?"

"Yep."

"Shall I help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

Mulla Nasrudin pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor, where this second man also said he lived. The Mulla opened the same door and pushed him in.

But as he reached the front door, the Mulla discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. Mulla Nasrudin was about to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.

"Off'shur! Off'shur! For Heaven's sake, Off'shur," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He has done nothing all night long but carry me upstairs and throw me down the elevator shaf."

The wife of Mulla Nasrudin told him that he had not been sufficiently explicit with the boss when he asked for raise.

"Tell him," said the wife, "that you have seven children, that you have a sick mother you have to sit up with many nights, and that you have to wash dishes because you can't afford a maid."

Several days later Mulla Nasrudin came home and announced he had been fired.

"THE BOSS," explained Nasrudin, "SAID I HAVE TOO MANY OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES."

"I knew an artist once who painted a cobweb on the ceiling so realistically that the maid spent hours trying to get it down," said Mulla Nasrudin's wife.

"Sorry, Dear," replied Nasrudin. "I just don't believe it."

"Why not? Artists have been known to do such things."

"YES." said Nasrudin, "BUT NOT MAIDS!"

202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 26 Osho

CHAPTER 1. 95. "And now I want you boys to tell me who wrote 'Hamlet'?" asked the superintendent. "P-p-please, Sir," replied a frightened boy, "it – it was not me." That same evening the superintendent was talking to his host, Mulla Nasrudin. The superintendent said: "A most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the class over at the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet' He answered tearfully, 'P-p-please, Sir, it – it was not me!" After loud and prolonged laughter, Mulla Nasrudin said: "THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, AND I SUPPOSE THE LITTLE RASCAL HAD DONE IT ALL THE TIME!" 96. Mulla Nasrudin was chatting with an acquaintance at a cocktail party. "Whenever I see you," said the Mulla, "I always think of Joe Wilson." "That's funny," his acquaintance said, "I am not at all like Joe Wilson." "OH, YES, YOU ARE," said Nasrudin. "YOU BOTH OWE ME 100. 97. Once Mulla Nasrudin was asked what he considered to be a perfect audience. "Oh, to me," said Nasrudin, "the perfect audience is one that is well educated, highly intelligent – AND JUST A LITTLE BIT DRUNK." 98. One night Mulla Nasrudin came home to his wife with lipstick on his collar. "Where did you get that?" she asked. "From my maid?" "No," said the Mulla. "From my dressmaker?" snapped his wife. "NO," said Nasrudin indignantly. "DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE ANY FRIENDS OF MY OWN?" 99. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 27 Osho

CHAPTER 1. A man was seated at a lunch counter when a pretty girl, followed by young Mulla Nasrudin came in. They took the only vacant stools, which happened to be on either side of the side. Wanting to be gracious, he offered to change seats with Mulla Nasrudin so they might sit together. "Oh, that's not necessary," said the Mulla. But the man insisted, and they changed seats. Mulla Nasrudin then said to the pretty girl, "SINCE THE SEATING ARRANGEMENTS SUIT THIS POLITE GENTLEMAN, WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE HIM REAL HAPPY AND GET ACQUAINTED." 100. A man at a seaside resort said to his new acquaintance, Mulla Nasrudin, "I see two cocktails carried to your room every morning, as if you had someone to drink with." "YES, SIR," said the Mulla, "I DO. ONE COCKTAIL MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ANOTHER MAN, AND, OF COURSE, I HAVE TO BUY A DRINK FOR THE OTHER MAN." 101. The wedding had begun, the bride was walking down the aisle. A lady whispered to Mulla Nasrudin who was next to her, "Can you imagine, they have known each other only three weeks, and they are getting married!" "WELL," said Mulla Nasrudin, "IT'S ONE WAY OF GETTING ACQUAINTED." 102. Mulla Nasrudin and his two friends were discussing what they would do if they awoke one morning to discover that they were millionaires. The Spaniard friend said he would build a bull ring. The American friend said he would go to Paris to have a good time. And, Mulla Nasrudin said HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP AGAIN TO SEE IF HE COULD MAKE ANOTHER MILLION." 103. A middle-aged woman lost her balance and fell out of a window into a garbage can. Mulla Nasrudin, passing remarked: "Americans are very wasteful. THAT WOMAN WAS GOOD FOR TEN YEARS YET." 104. Mulla Nasrudin was told he would lose his phone if he did not retract what he had said to the General Manager of the phone company in the course of a conversation over the wire. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 28 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "Very well, Mulla Nasrudin will apologize," he said. He called Main 7777. "Is that you, Mr. Doolittle?" "It is." "This is Mulla Nasrudin. "Well?" "This morning in the heat of discussion I told you to go to hell!" "Yes?" "WELL," said Nasrudin, "DON'T GO!" 105. A political leader was visiting the mental hospital. Mulla Nasrudin sitting in the yard said, "You are a politician, are you not?" "Yes," said the leader. "I live just down the road." "I used to be a politician myself once," said the Mulla, "but now I am crazy. Have you ever been crazy?" "No," said the politician as he started to go away. "WELL, YOU OUGHT TRY IT," said Nasrudin "IT BEATS POLITICS ANY DAY." 106. The editor of the town weekly received this letter from Mulla Nasrudin: "Dear Sir: Last week I lost my watch which I valued highly. The next day I ran an ad in your paper. Yesterday, I went home and found the watch in the pocket of my brown suit. YOUR PAPER IS WONDERFUL!" 107. Mulla Nasrudin had been out speaking all day and returned home late at night, tired and weary. "How did your speeches go today?" his wife asked. "All right, I guess," the Mulla said. "But I am afraid some of the people in the audience didn't understand some of the things I was saying." 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 29 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "What makes you think that?" his wife asked. "BECAUSE," whispered Mulla Nasrudin, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM MYSELF." 108. Mulla Nasrudin, a distraught father, visiting his son in a prison waiting room, turned on him and said: "I am fed up with you. Look at your record: attempted robbery, attempted robbery, attempted burglary, attempted murder. WHAT A FAILURE YOU HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE; YOU CAN'T SUCCEED IN ANYTHING YOU TRY." 109. Mulla Nasrudin and some of his friends pooled their money and bought a tavern. They immediately closed it and began to paint and fix it up inside and out. A few days after all the repairs had been completed and there was no sign of its opening, a thirsty crowd gathered outside. One of the crowd yelled out, "Say, Nasrudin, when you gonna open up?" "OPEN UP? WE ARE NOT GOING TO OPEN UP," said the Mulla. "WE BOUGHT THIS PLACE FOR OURSELVES!" 110. A man who has been married for ten years complained one day to his friend Mulla Nasrudin. "When we were first married," he said, "I was very happy. I would come home from a hard day at the office. My little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now after ten years, everything has changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!" "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT," said Nasrudin. "YOU ARE STILL GETTING THE SAME SERVICE, ARE YOU NOT?" 111. Mulla Nasrudin's wife limped past the teahouse. "There goes a woman who is willing to suffer for her beliefs," said the Mulla to his friends there. "Why, what belief is that?" asked someone. "OH, SHE BELIEVES SHE CAN WEAR A NUMBER FOUR SHOE ON A NUMBER SIX FOOT," said Nasrudin. 112. The lawyer was working on their divorce case. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 30 Osho

CHAPTER 1. After a preliminary conference with Mulla Nasrudin, the lawyer reported back to the Mulla’s wife. ”I have succeeded,” he told her, ”in reaching a settlement with your husband that’s fair to both of you.” ”FAIR TO BOTH?” cried the wife. ”I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF. WHY DO YOU THINK I HIRED A LAWYER?” 113. Mulla Nasrudin was suffering from what appeared to be a case of shattered nerves. After a long spell of failing health, he finally called a doctor. ”You are in serious trouble,” the doctor said. ”You are living with some terrible evil thing; something that is possessing you from morning to night. We must find what it is and destroy it.” ”SSSH, DOCTOR,” said Nasrudin, ”YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, BUT DON’T SAY IT SO LOUD – SHE IS SITTING IN THE NEXT ROOM AND SHE MIGHT HEAR YOU.” 114. Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends had been drinking all evening in a bar. The friend finally passed out and fell to the floor. The Mulla called a doctor who rushed him to a hospital. When he came to, the doctor asked him, ”Do you see any pink elephants or little green men?” ”Nope,” groaned the patient. ”No snakes or alligators?” the doctor asked. ”Nope,” the drunk said. ”Then just sleep it off and you will be all right in the morning,” said the doctor. But Mulla Nasrudin was worried. ”LOOK, DOCTOR.” he said, ”THAT BOY’S IN BAD SHAPE. HE SAID HE COULDN’T SEE ANY OF THEM ANIMALS, AND YOU AND I KNOW THE ROOM IS FULL OF THEM.” 115. Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends were attending a garden party for charity which featured games of chance. ”I just took a one-dollar chance for charity,” said the friend, ”and a beautiful blonde gave me a kiss. I hate to say it, but she kissed better than my wife!” The Mulla said he was going to try it. Afterwards the friend asked: ”How was it, Mulla?” ”SWELL,” said Nasrudin, ”BUT NO BETTER THAN YOUR WIFE.” 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 31 Osho

CHAPTER 1. 116. Mulla Nasrudin’s teenager son had dented a fender on the family car. ”What did your father say when you told him?” the boy’s mother asked. ”Should I leave out the cuss words?” he said. ”Yes, of course,” said his mother. ”IN THAT CASE,” said the boy, ”HE DIDN’T SAY A WORD.” 117. The woman lecturer was going strong. ”For centuries women have been misjudged and mistreated,” she shouted. ”They have suffered in a thousand ways. Is there any way that women have not suffered?” As she paused to let that question sink in, it was answered by Mulla Nasrudin, who was presiding the meeting. ”YES, THERE IS ONE WAY,” he said. ”THEY HAVE NEVER SUFFERED IN SILENCE.” 118. The man at the poultry counter had sold everything except one fryer. Mulla Nasrudin, a customer, said he was entertaining at dinner and wanted a nice-sized fryer. The clerk threw the fryer on the scales and said, ”This one will be 1.35.” ”Well,” said the Mulla, ”I really wanted a larger one.” The clerk, thinking fast, put the fryer back in the box and stirred it around a bit. Then he brought it out again and put it on the scales. ”This one,” he said, ”will be S1.95.” ”WONDERFUL,” said Nasrudin. ”I WILL TAKE BOTH OF THEM!” 119. A highway patrolman pulled alongside Mulla Nasrudin’s car and waved him to the side of the road. ”Sir your wife fell out of the car three miles back,” he said. ”SO THAT’S IT,” said the Mulla. ”I THOUGHT I HAD GONE STONE DEAF.” 120. The young doctor seemed pleased after looking over his patient, Mulla Nasrudin. ”You are getting along just fine,” he said. ”Of course. your shoulder is still badly swollen, but that does not bother me in the least.” 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 32 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "I DON'T GUESS IT DOES," said Nasrudin. "IF YOUR SHOULDER WERE SWOLLEN, IT WOULDN'T BOTHER ME EITHER." 121. Mulla Nasrudin had been placed in a mental hospital, for treatment. After a few weeks, a friend visited him. "How are you going on?" he asked. "Oh, just fine," said the Mulla. "That's good," his friend said. "Guess you will be coming back to your home soon?" "WHAT!" said Nasrudin. "I SHOULD LEAVE A FINE COMFORTABLE HOUSE LIKE THIS WITH A SWIMMING POOL AND FREE MEALS TO COME TO MY OWN DIRTY HOUSE WITH A MAD WIFE TO LIVE WITH? YOU MUST THINK I AM CRAZY!" 122. Mulla Nasrudin visiting a mental hospital stood chatting at great length to one man in particular. He asked all sorts of questions about how he was treated, and how long he had been there and what hobbies he was interested in. As the Mulla left him and walked on with the attendant, he noticed he was grinning broadly. The Mulla asked what was amusing and the attendant told the visitor that he had been talking to the medical superintendent. Embarrassed, Nasrudin rushed back to make apologies. "I AM SORRY DOCTOR," he said. "I WILL NEVER GO BY APPEARANCES AGAIN." 123. A famous surgeon had developed the technique of removing the brain from a person, examining it, and putting it back. One day, some friends brought him Mulla Nasrudin to be examined The surgeon operated on the Mulla and took his brain out. When the surgeon went to the laboratory to examine the brain, he discovered the patient had mysteriously disappeared. Six years later Mulla Nasrudin returned to the hospital. "Where have you been for six years?" asked the amazed surgeon. "OH, AFTER I LEFT HERE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I GOT ELECTED TO CONGRESS AND I HAVE BEEN IN THE CAPITAL EVER SINCE, SIR." 124. Mulla Nasrudin was telling a friend how he got started in the bank business. "I was out of work," he said, "so to keep busy, I rented an empty store, and painted the word 'BANK' on the window. The same day, a man came in and deposited $300. Next day, another fellow came in and put in $250. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 33 Osho

CHAPTER 1. WELL, SIR, BY THE THIRD DAY I'D GOT SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN THE VENTURE THAT I PUT IN 50 OF MY OWN MONEY.” 125. Mulla Nasrudin, shipwrecked, was finally washed ashore on a strange island. He was glad to be on land, but afraid he might be among wild and unfriendly natives, so he explored cautiously, and at last saw smoke from a fire rising from the jungle. As he made his way slowly through the woods, scared half to death, he heard a voice say, "Pass that bottle and deal those cards." "THANK GOD!” cried Nasrudin. ”I AM AMONG CIVILISED PEOPLE!” 126. "What was the argument between you and your father-in-law, Nasrudin?” asked a friend. ”I didn’t mind, when he wore my hat, coat, shoes and suit, BUT WHEN HE SAT DOWN AT THE DINNER TABLE AND LAUGHED AT ME WITH MY OWN TEETH – THAT WAS TOO MUCH,” said Mulla Nasrudin. 127. Mulla Nasrudin’s wife was forever trying to curb his habit of swearing. One day, while shaving, the Mulla nicked his chin, and promptly launched into his most colourful array of cuss words. His wife thereupon repeated it all after him, hoping that her action in doing so would shame him into reforming at last. But instead, the Mulla waited for her to finish them with a familiar twinkle in his eyes said: ”YOU HAVE THE WORDS ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THE TUNE.” 128. A young bachelor, frequenting the pub quite often, was in the habit of singing laurels of his bachelorhood to all within hearing distance. He was quite cured of his self-centered, eccentric ideals, when once, Mulla Nasrudin got up calmly from the table, gave the hero a paternal thump on the back and remarked, ”I SUPPOSE, YOUNG CHAP, YOUR FATHER MUST HAVE BEEN A BACHELOR TOO.” 129. At a breakfast one morning, Mulla Nasrudin was telling his wife about the meeting of his civic club the night before. ”The president of the club,” he said, ”offered a silk hat to the member who would truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his wife. And not a man stood up.” ”Why,” his wife asked, ”didn’t you stand up?” 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 34 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "WELL," said Nasrudin, "I WAS GOING TO, BUT YOU KNOW HOW SILLY I LOOK IN A SILK HAT." 130. The minister was congratulating Mulla Nasrudin on his 40th wedding anniversary. "It requires a lot of patience, tolerance, and understanding to live with the same woman for 40 years," he said. "THANK YOU," said Nasrudin, "BUT SHE'S NOT THE SAME WOMAN SHE WAS WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED." 131. Mulla Nasrudin was talking to his little girl about being brave. "But ain't you afraid of cows and horses?" she asked. "Of course not." said the Mulla "And ain't you afraid of bees and thunder and lightening?" asked the child. "Certainly not." said the Mulla again. "GEE, DADDY," she said "GUESS YOU AIN'T AFRAID OF NOTHING IN THE WORLD BUT MAMA." 132. The audience was questioning Mulla Nasrudin who had just spoken on big game hunting in Africa. "Is it true," asked one, "that wild beasts in the jungle won't harm you if you carry a torch?" "THAT ALL DEPENDS," said Nasrudin "ON HOW FAST YOU CARRY IT." 133. A father was bragging about his daughter who had studied painting in Paris. "This is the sunset my daughter painted," he said to Mulla Nasrudin. "She studied painting abroad, you know." "THAT ACCOUNTS FOR IT," said Nasrudin. "I NEVER SAW A SUNSET LIKE THAT IN THIS COUNTRY." 134. Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends rented a boat and went fishing. In a remote part of the like they found a spot where the fish were really biting. "We'd better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow," said the Mulla. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 35 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "O.k., I'll do it," replied his friend. When they got back to the dock, the Mulla asked, "Did you mark that spot?" "Sure," said the second, "I put a chalk mark on the side of the boat." "YOU NITWIT," said Nasrudin. "HOW DO YOU KNOW WE WILL GET THE SAME BOAT TOMORROW?" 135. One evening when a banquet was all set to begin, the chairman realized that no minister was present to return thanks. He turned to Mulla Nasrudin, the main speaker and said, "Sir, since there is no minister here, will you ask the blessing, please?" Mulla Nasrudin stood up, bowed his head, and with deep feeling said, "THERE BEING NO MINISTER PRESENT, LET US THANK GOD." 136. "Have I not shaved you before, Sir?" the barber asked Mulla Nasrudin. "NO," said Nasrudin, "I GOT THAT SCAR DURING THE WAR." 137. A barber was surprised to get a tip from Mulla Nasrudin, a customer, before he even climbed into the chair. "You are the first customer, Mulla," he said, "ever to give me a tip before I cut the hair." "THAT'S NOT A TIP," said Nasrudin. "THAT'S HUSH MONEY. 138. "Thankful! What do I have to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills," said one fellow to Mulla Nasrudin. "WELL, THEN," said Nasrudin, "BE THANKFUL YOU AREN'T ONE OF YOUR CREDITORS." 139. The pilot at the air show was taking passengers up for a spin around town for five dollars a ride. As he circled city with Mulla Nasrudin, the only customer aboard, he his engine and began to glide toward the airport. "I will bet those people down there think my engine couped out," he laughed. "I will bet half of them are scared to death." 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 36 Osho

CHAPTER 1. "THAT'S NOTHING." said Mulla Nasrudin, "HALF OF US UP HERE ARE TOO." 140. Mulla Nasrudin who was reeling drunk was getting into his automobile when a policeman came up and asked "You're not going to drive that car, are you?" "CERTAINLY I AM GOING TO DRIVE," said Nasrudin. "ANYBODY CAN SEE I AM IN NO CONDITION TO WALK." 141. Mulla Nasrudin and his wife on a safari cornered a lion. But the lion fooled them; instead of standing his ground and fighting, the lion took to his heels and escaped into the underbush. Mulla Nasrudin terrified very much, was finally asked to stammer out to his wife, "YOU GO AHEAD AND SEE WHERE THE LION HAS GONE, AND I WILL TRACE BACK AND SEE WHERE HE CAME FROM." 142. Mulla Nasrudin and a friend were chatting at a bar. "Do you have the same trouble with your wife that I have with mine?" asked the Mulla. "What trouble?" "Why, money trouble. She keeps nagging me for money, money, money, and then more money," said the Mulla. "What does she want with all the money you give her? What does she do with it?" "I DON'T KNOW," said Nasrudin. "I NEVER GIVE HER ANY." 143. Mulla Nasrudin's weekend guest was being driven to the station by the family chauffeur. "I hope you won't let me miss my train," he said. "NO, SIR," said the chauffeur. "THE MULLA SAID IF DID, I'D LOSE MY JOB." 144. Mulla Nasrudin: "My wife has a chronic habit of sitting up every night until two and three o'clock in the morning and I can't break her of it." 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 37 Osho

CHAPTER 1. Sympathetic friend: "Why does she sit up that late?" Nasrudin: "WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME." 145. "Mulla, did your father leave much money when he died?" "NO," said Mulla Nasrudin, "NOT A CENT. IT WAS THIS WAY. HE LOST HIS HEALTH GETTING WEALTHY, THEN HE LOST HIS WEALTH TRYING TO GET HEALTHY." 146. Mulla Nasrudin, a mental patient, was chatting with the new superintendent at the state hospital. "We like you a lot better than we did the last doctor," he said. The new superintendent was obviously pleased. "And would you mind telling me why?" he asked. "OH, SOMEHOW YOU JUST SEEM SO MUCH MORE LIKE ONE OF US," said Nasrudin. 147. Mulla Nasrudin: "How much did you pay for that weird-looking hat?" Wife: "It was on sale, and I got it for a song." Nasrudin "WELL, IF I HADN'T HEARD YOU SING. I'D SWEAR YOU HAD BEEN CHEATED." 148. Mulla Nasrudin was a hypochondriac He has been pestering the doctors of his town to death for years. Then one day, a young doctor, just out of the medical school moved to town. Mulla Nasrudin was one of his first patients. "I have heart trouble," the Mulla told him. And then he proceeded to describe in detail a hundred and one symptoms of all sorts of varied ailments. When he was through he said, "It is heart trouble, isn't it?" "Not necessarily," the young doctor said. "You have described so many symptoms that you might well have something else wrong with you." "HUH," snorted Mulla Nasrudin "YOU HAVE YOUR NERVE. A YOUNG DOCTOR, JUST OUT OF SCHOOL, DISAGREEING WITH AN EXPERIENCED INVALID LIKE ME." 149. 202 (Jokes of Mulla Nasrudin) 38 Osho